I honestly don't know why I do this to you. I don't know why I do it to myself. I don't know why I do much of anything anymore. I'm just flowing. Floating through life right now, with no plan or motivation to change it in any way. I've been offered jobs making a lot more money, and I just ignore them. I'm fine with making what I make, because I hate switching jobs. I hate having to start over and learn everything again. Fuck that. I don't want to go to school because I hate everything it represents, and everything surrounding the idea. I'm fine where I'm at. I guess. Maybe. I don't really know. Everything is just way too simple right now.

I think I'm bored. Weed sucks. I'm on house arrest. I can't drink. I smoke pot to pass the time. I work too much. I don't act on my feelings as much as I should. I don't feel bad about people dying. Now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure I even believe in death. I just can't imagine that we just stop existing. I think it should be called "Awakening", instead of "death". We're trapped in something, I just don't know what it is yet. I have always believed that the world only exists in my mind. If I die, everyone dies. Sucks to be not me.

I also think that this may be part of the reasoning behind the birth of religion. People don't want to believe that their life just disappears, so they make something up to comfort them. Ok, I'm not gonna get into religion again. It's too long of a subject.

This is your brain on drugs.

but I'm shrinking with them, so it's ok.

   You're not that fucking cool of a person so stop calling me. The answer to 99% of your questions is NO. NO, you're not a good person. NO, you're not better off this way. NO, it wasn't the place. NO, it wasn't the people. YES, it was you.

And within the ashes of what used to be, we dance to memories of what we once were.  One time, one place, we were everything. We cloud our thoughts with nicotine and alcohol, only to keep our mind away from what we once had. Tonight, my darling, we live forever. Let's dance.

It's almost like you're sitting next to me while I write this. Just think happy thoughts, and we'll fly high.

I plan on listening to AFI, My Chemical Romance, and Fall out boy, all night. I also plan on lucid dreaming tonight. About...............you? Something? Anything? I love it more than words can ever describe. [did I say "it", or "you"?] I like music. It drags me away from the reality that is MY LIFE. My mom told me that it was ok if i moved back in with her. The catch is, I can't have people over.......ever. I'm not quite sure if that's a bad thing of a good thing. I hate people, but i like a certain person. I don't want people coming over and visiting me, but I want someone to come over and visit me. Know what I mean? Yea, it's like that. You'll never really understand anyways, even if i tell you. I can afford paying rent and all that other fun stuff, but I don't want to. I want to give my momma some money every month and leach off of her as much as possible. I also want to leave this period of my life behind me. It's not one of those phases that I want to remember. I have enough of those. I'd like to erase this one. It's not that I don't like it, because I do. It's that there is nothing beneficial to me about living right now or remembering that I lived here and now. I had some good times in the past 18 months, but it's nothing compared to other things I may or may not have experienced. I don't know what to do. If I move back in with my mom, Kyle will have no one to move out with. He'll end up moving back in with his mom and becoming a meth-head. I don't want that to happen to him. I like him. He's a very good friend of mine. I would gladly get a two bedroom apartment with him, but i have this great opportunity in front of me that I'm not sure I can pass up. In all capital letters, the word of the day is SOLITUDE. I can be alone. I can live with my mom and not hang out with people. I can finally have the chance to alienate all of my "friends" and be my own person with no one in my life except for myself. I am the only good person that I've ever known.

This post means nothing to you, but it means something to me. When you read it, you just think "ok it's another one of Josh's depressing blogs". When I read it, it stirs up feelings inside of me. It makes me think of how the people that i hang out with every day right now, will soon be the people I see every once in a while and can't even speak to because we don't hang out anymore. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for that. I have so many groups of people that I do that with, and it hurts really fucking bad. I don't know if I'm ready for the drunken nights I'll spend with myself thinking about how awesome I had it, and how I threw it all away because i had nothing better to do that day. That's how it works. I don't stop hanging out with people for any reason other than that. I do it to hurt myself. I know that it will eat me alive in time, and that's what I live for. Pain. Drama. Hurt. Regret. I'm not saying I like it, I'm saying my human nature and psychological complexes demand it. I'm not fucking ready for this, but I'm going to do it anyways. What you're witnessing here, is a revolution of the mind. Mine.

Somehow i ended up here in between
But there's always the comfort of knowing
I'll never be seen
When I fall.

In the whispers when no one's around.
(nothing can stop us now)